One day the question will be asked. One day I will have to answer it and one day I will need to know how to.
I never realised I'd have to even answer the question until today.
As often as we can we take Jonathan to see 'Nonna', his grandmother, my mother, who unfortunately passed away 10 years ago.
I take him because I want this to feel 'normal' for him. As he grows up I want him to know where we are going when I say "lets go bring flowers to Nonna". I want this to be a happy outing for him. I want it to be special mummy / baby time where I can share all the stories with him of his beautiful Nonna and the wonderful lady she was.
Growing up, I never imagined bringing my children into this world without having my mother around. Sadly, that became a harsh reality. For those of you who have lost a parent early on in life, actually, anyone at all, you know that you just don't get over it, you learn to live with it. I did learn to live with it until I found out I was pregnant.
When I found out I was pregnant those dreaded feelings came filtering through again. It was and was going to be the happiest time of my life and like every other 'life milestone' i'd be doing it without my mother. There'd be no shopping for baby clothes with her, no one to call if I was worried, no support from my mother at the time when I needed her most. Again, I mourned, I mourned the experiences that would never be.
I learned and am still learning to be a mother without my mother. I could have called her a million times by now, I could have dropped JJ off at her house who knows how many times and I could have had her stay over so I could sleep with every chance I got. She'd have done it too because she would have done anything, for anyone. Thats just the type of person she was. Pure. Open hearted. Loving. Beautiful.
She was my best friend, I was hers and she would have loved JJ with every bone and fibre in her body. It scared me that I'd never be as good of a mother as she was. I thought that I didn't have enough time with her to learn how to one day be. Guess what though? I think I am. That greatness I remember, I now show my son. I am the mum that my mum was.
So one day, we will go to the cemetery. One day JJ will ask me "where is your mummy?" and one day i'll touch my heart and say "in here" then touch his heart and say "in there".
Every moment of life is beautiful. Cherish every second with everyone you love. Hold them in your heart and they will live there forever. No matter what you believe. They really can live on forever.