Sunday, 7 July 2013

Where is your mummy?

One day the question will be asked. One day I will have to answer it and one day I will need to know how to.

I never realised I'd have to even answer the question until today.

As often as we can we take Jonathan to see 'Nonna', his grandmother, my mother, who unfortunately passed away 10 years ago.

I take him because I want this to feel 'normal' for him. As he grows up I want him to know where we are going when I say "lets go bring flowers to Nonna". I want this to be a happy outing for him. I want it to be special mummy / baby time where I can share all the stories with him of his beautiful Nonna and the wonderful lady she was.

Growing up, I never imagined bringing my children into this world without having my mother around. Sadly, that became a harsh reality. For those of you who have lost a parent early on in life, actually, anyone at all, you know that you just don't get over it, you learn to live with it. I did learn to live with it until I found out I was pregnant.

When I found out I was pregnant those dreaded feelings came filtering through again. It was and was going to be the happiest time of my life and like every other 'life milestone' i'd be doing it without my mother. There'd be no shopping for baby clothes with her, no one to call if I was worried, no support from my mother at the time when I needed her most. Again, I mourned, I mourned the experiences that would never be.

I learned and am still learning to be a mother without my mother. I could have called her a million times by now, I could have dropped JJ off at her house who knows how many times and I could have had her stay over so I could sleep with every chance I got. She'd have done it too because she would have done anything, for anyone. Thats just the type of person she was. Pure. Open hearted. Loving. Beautiful.

She was my best friend, I was hers and she would have loved JJ with every bone and fibre in her body.  It scared me that I'd never be as good of a mother as she was. I thought that I didn't have enough time with her to learn how to one day be. Guess what though? I think I am. That greatness I remember, I now show my son. I am the mum that my mum was.

So one day, we will go to the cemetery. One day JJ will ask me "where is your mummy?" and one day i'll touch my heart and say "in here" then touch his heart and say "in there".

Every moment of life is beautiful. Cherish every second with everyone you love. Hold them in your heart and they will live there forever. No matter what you believe. They really can live on forever.


  1. What a lovely post Hun, it made me feel sad but happy at the same time, pass those memories you have on to JJ so he can have them too.
    Sending you a huge hug


    1. Thanks Rachel - I do every day. Its so important for me xxx

  2. Hi Marcelle, my thoughts are with you as you go through this.. I too lost my darling Mum when my third child was just 12 months. It's heartbreaking somedays, I know :-(
    Like you said, your Mum will be in his heart as he grows and you tell him about her whenever you can. I do this with both my youngest, so they will have a sense of who their Nanny was and how much she would love and adore them. Bless you, darlin.

  3. Thanks for the beautiful comment Anje :) I'm glad you took the time to read. xxx

  4. Maree - this was just BEAUTIFUL. And certainly brought some tears. Helps put things into perspective that's for sure. I know your mum is so very very proud of you! She was a beautiful mum just like you are now. Best wishes with the new blog! xx Aliscia Di Mauro

  5. Thanks for the beautiful comment and reading Aliscia. It means allot. I often thought about removing this post. Your little two are cuties. Xx

  6. Very touching my lovely, truly beautiful. JJ is very lucky and blessed to have such a wonderful Mummy, thinking of you, big hugs hunnie xxxx


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